Frozen

Shaking.

Quiet breathing.

Tiptoe.

Lock the bathroom door.

Sit.

Breathe.

"You okay?"

fuck

"Yeah, I need to pee."

"I heard you lock the door."

Freeze.

no. nonononono.

"Are you sure everything's okay?"

Frozen.

just go away. please. just. go.

"You're not hurting yourself, are you?"

ugh, no.

Breath.

"No, I just need a minute, okay?"

Breath held.

"Okay. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm really sorry. I'm stupid, all I do is hurt you."

no, you aren't sorry. you know what you need to say but you aren't sorry. 

oh god, how did i get myself here? what's wrong with me? no. nothing. stop that.

"It's okay. I'm sorry for upsetting you, it's all my fault."

"No, it's my fault."

i don't think you believe that. another trick. playing cards.

"I'm sorry."

Flushed toilet.

Hand-washing.

Wringing.

Water hot enough to burn -- anything to feel.

Unlock and shuffle.

Face to face in darkness.

"You don't get it, he fucking. Hates. ME. HATES. ME. He'll do anything to hurt me, to ruin my life. Do you not understand?"

Shrink away.

i'm shaking, don't you notice? do you care that you intimidate me, make me want to die -- not exist -- disappear? Breath in. Out. Eyes clenched to close in tears. Or is it out? i don't want to do this arguing thing. don't know how to make it better.

"I'm sorry. I messed up. It was all me. I love you, X."

"That's the thing. I still fucking love you, but all you do is hurt me. I'm sure you don't fucking care about me. Not one bit. You never have... No one ever does."

ugh, do you ever listen?

"That isn't true! I care about you. Other people care. You--"

"All people ever try to do is hurt me! It's fucking happened before, it will happen again. People are out to get me and everyone else any way they can--"

i just want this to stop. how do i stop it? how do i make it stop? i'm so tired...